**I\u2019ll come back to aphids a little bit toward the end, I\npromise. Meanwhile, since this is my\nwebsite I\u2019m going to write what I want to.**<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Three things came together this past week that prompt this\nessay. First, I am reading the book A\nPeople\u2019s History of the United States<\/em> by Howard Zinn, second, I watched a\ncrushing, tears inducing, documentary called Generation Wealth<\/em> by Lauren Greenfield, and third, I was pointedly reminded\nof a major failing of my own from about a decade ago. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As human beings we mostly want to feel like we are good, and\nthat what we do or support is done for good reasons, is right, or just.\nArguably, there are psychopaths who differ from most of us, but I\u2019m putting\nthem aside. Throughout U.S. history, as documented in Zinn\u2019s book, horrible\nthings have been done by those in power including the displacement and genocide\nof the native peoples of North America, the capture, commodification, and\ntorture of African slaves, the subjugation of poor white immigrants, the severe\nrepression and disrespect of women, the abuse of children in factories, the\ninvasion of Mexico and theft of its land, the destruction of the natural\nsystems across the whole continent, genocide and war in SE Asia and almost\nevery other corner of the globe, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Many justifications have been put forward over the\ncenturies, explaining why atrocities like these are good things. Concepts such\nas human advancement, or \u201cprogress,\u201d having a higher value in the long run than\nthe human suffering it causes along the way. \nOr, that killing and mis-treating Native Americans, Africans, or Mexicans,\nis fine because they are not equal to white people, or that they are not in\nfact human (an idea being promulgated even today by Donald Trump, calling Central\nAmerican refugees \u2018animals\u2019). Subjugating women was justified because they were\ndeemed weak and generally less capable, and that the positions and\nopportunities they were granted by the men in power were the most they could\nreally handle. The U.S. throughout its history has justified invasion of other\ncountries by framing invasion as good for the local population, that the U.S.\nwill bring civilization, freedom, prosperity, or \u2018democracy,\u2019 or that invasion\nis necessary in order to advance human progress. The destruction of the environment is\njustified in the name of economic growth, which is taken by most people in rich\nparts of the world as necessary for human survival. It\u2019s all about the way the\nstory is told. If we tell the story to ourselves and each other in the right\nway, all sorts of terrible things feel less terrible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The same trend exists in our personal lives and the choices\nwe make day to day, month to month, about how to live. Although \u201cGeneration\nWealth\u201d is about a lot more than personal choices, it\u2019s that aspect of the film\nI want to write about. The film documents\nparts of the lives of several people with different stories. One is a banker who put accumulation of\nwealth above family, friends, humanity in general. Another is a business executive who put work\nabove all other goals in life until it was almost too late. There were stories\nabout people who subjugated themselves through prostitution and pornography in\ntheir attempt to get ahead, to gain wealth and power over others. There was a\n6-year-old beauty pageant winner who was in it for the money, who already\nviewed her goal in life as money accumulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Two stories in the film hit me the hardest. One was the film-maker herself, who had grown up with divorced parents who put their careers first, and who then herself had become very career focused, choosing work over family in a number of ways.\u00a0 In one segment, she discussed a choice she made about leaving home for a work assignment just weeks after giving birth to a son. Her husband encouraged the trip and was there to look after the family, but still it was an important decision. She decided to go. She interviewed her sons for the film, and a heart-wrenching scene was when her teenage son said that from his perspective, she was gone a lot throughout his childhood.\u00a0 He said something about realizing that \u201cdamage was done.\u201d This was a teenager talking to his mother, saying that she had made poor decisions about being gone so much.\u00a0 He said these things, swallowed hard, then looked with compassion at the camera and asked her if she was OK.\u00a0 I bet she was crying. I would have been.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been in her shoes, choosing between family time and work time.\u00a0 I chose work very often.\u00a0 The justification I think many people like me articulate is that \u201cthe kids will be OK.\u201d And, we tell ourselves, the money, social advancement, and perceived stability will benefit the kids down the road enough to counter-balance the short-term damage.\u00a0 We want those things, money, social status, and stability, and justify our aggressive pursuit of them by framing it as good for the kids.\u00a0 Would the kids be better off if we made decisions to be involved rather than away? Very likely. But instead, we make the decision, tell ourselves that they\u2019ll be OK, and that OK is good enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another core aspect of the film is the idea that\naccumulation of wealth or achievement of social status leads to happiness, that\nhaving what popular culture pushes us to have is the recipe. Some people are obsessed with money and\npossessions as that path to happiness. \nOthers focus on looking and acting the part. One story in the film was of\na person who chose cosmetic surgery, and having the right body and face, as the\npath to happiness. This came with great\nsacrifice in terms of surgeries and financial burden that she could not afford.\nIt made for stress in her single-parent-of-two-children household. This belief\nin looking a certain way as being necessary for happiness was all-consuming for\nher, and (it was implied) became so for her teenage daughter. This storyline\nended with the woman bankrupt, still obsessed with her physical appearance, and\nwith her teenager dead (from suicide).<\/p>\n\n\n\n At last we are coming back to the third prompt to writing\nthis essay: my choices made when my sons were teens, about a decade ago. The\nreminder of those days came to me last week via a share of an old Facebook post\nfrom a friend of one of my sons about the dangerous self-destructive behavior\nthey engaged in as teens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The driving force behind the most troubling of my choices\nmight have been similar to the woman I just mentioned: a sense that if only I\ncan succeed at being happy, my happiness will benefit my children (I was also a\nfull time single parent). It\u2019s akin to trickle-down economics. Make myself rich with happiness and my\nchildren will reap the benefits. The\nwoman above sought happiness in cosmetic surgery and the pursuit of physical\nappearance. My pursuit was not\nunrelated: romantic love and a happiness-inducing relationship and\/or marriage\nwith a woman. By pursuing happiness for\nmyself in an intimate relationship, the argument went, I would achieve a\nhappiness that would benefit me and my whole family enough to outweigh the\nnegatives. What were those costly negative\nchoices I made? Mainly, to spend a lot\nof time away from home, leaving young people to fend for themselves and without\nparental supervision, involvement, and guidance. Were they likely to be OK\nthrough it all? I suppose. At least that\u2019s\nwhat I chose to believe. Was I, in fact,\nachieving a happiness that was great enough to overcome the negatives of my\nabsences? Absolutely not. It was an intensely stressful time, trying to\nmaintain a warm and exciting romantic life while maintaining a more-than-full-time\njob, a house, property, a pack of dogs, and being a good single parent to two\nteens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A key thing in the film, which I know would apply to me, were I interviewed about this story I just old, is the facial expressions of people telling their stories, of why they did what they did. They would explain their rationale for their choices, often with energy and a smile. Then, after they spoke their final sentence, they\u2019d settle just a bit and their face said it all \u2013 \u201cI know what I did was wrong, and I knew it at the time.\u201d This applied to the mother of the filmmaker, asked about whether she knew that her choices as a parent hurt her children.\u00a0 She said she didn\u2019t know this, but the look on her face said something completely different. The cosmetic surgery woman was the same \u2013 even when she was making the choices she did, she knew they were wrong at some level, but used a lie to herself to justify them.\u00a0 Like them, I lied to myself and everyone I talked to about those times. I said that I was leaving home in pursuit of a happiness-inducing romantic life for the benefit of the children and everyone else in my life.\u00a0 No, that was a lie and a part of me knew it from the start.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While I was away from home, ostensibly pursuing my trickle-down happiness, much unhealthy and self-destructive behavior was going on at home. Dangerous things. Through those things, I could have ended up like the woman in the film, with a dead child.\u00a0 Luckily, death did not ensue, but death-no death is not a very useful metric.\u00a0 What would have, could have, been the outcome if every weekend or week I spent away from home, leaving teenagers to fend for themselves and party with friends, I had instead stayed at home? Cooked. Involved them in projects. Taken them hiking in my quests for aphids. Read more books with them. Heck, played more video games with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My sons are now OK, but only after suffering the most\nheart-wrenching and at times life-threatening periods in their early 20s. Could\nthose hard times have been avoided or ameliorated if I had made other\nchoices? Quite likely. Do I know that my\ndecisions in many situations were wrong? Yes. \nWas I fully honest with myself and those around me at the time about my\nfeelings and my justifications for my choices? No.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes I get going on a rant and then rhetorically ask, \u201cWhy did I start talking about this?\u201d This is one of those times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Two final things before I finish here.\u00a0 First, regrets. Second, happiness.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve occasionally talked with one friend or another about the ways in which I let my sons down as a father.\u00a0 They caution me about needlessly punishing myself for things long in the past.\u00a0 Another friend once said something to the effect of, the only thing we\u2019ll have left on our deathbeds is our regrets. I disagree with the latter, and the former needn\u2019t worry.\u00a0 I strongly believe that looking at and recognizing one\u2019s failures is a good thing and does not lead to sadness or deathbed regrets. There is much in my life I could have done better from various perspectives (myself, my brother, sisters, parents, wives, children, etc.), but I know very deeply that I tried as hard as I could at the time. Trying hard was what I could do.\u00a0 I shouldn\u2019t feel anger or sadness with my past self, but just acknowledge that I\u2019ve learned since then and that I have grown as a result of my mistakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, happiness. \nUltimately, Generation Wealth is about people trying to achieve\nhappiness. They are all conditioned to\npursue happiness through acquisition, accumulation, and power. That fact is not their faults. It\u2019s a fallacy almost all of us first-world, lacking-for-nothing\npeople cling to dearly. The film was about seeking money, fame, power, and\nproperty as means to happiness. But I want to emphasize another common fallacy\nnot dealt with by the film — acquisition of humans, of relationships, as\npathways to happiness. Happiness never\nresults from acquisition of or owning anything. Happiness cannot be given to,\nor made for, another person. Happiness\ncomes from choosing. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It can be right here, right now, if we\nchoose. The trick? How to effect that\nchoice. Therein lies the real mystery.\nThe place to look for effecting that choice is inside, to grasping our true\nidentity, to understanding our unity with everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For a couple other ideas on happiness see the following: <\/p>\n\n\n\n